Reflections - General Update Post 44
As we draw nearer to the New Year and the rain is non-stop I find myself wishing I had a fireplace and am reflecting on the year as if I do.
I sit with my cup of Peppermint tea (black teas, although my favorites, are no-no's with mold, as they are inherently "moldy"), look out at the brownish green of the bird refuge I live across the street from as much as I can see through the wet window, screen and rain, and think about the amazing year.
I am so, so fortunate. I see people living on the streets and I think that it could be me, but for the grace of God. Please forgive me if that word offends you - please translate into whatever works for you.
Over the last seven years I have often felt one step away from that fate. Me, a grew-up in an upper middle class home, have a college education and the misfortune of getting very, very sick. It certainly is not what I ever pictured for myself in my 20's and 30's when my energy abounded and life seemed impossible to truly screw up.
At fifty-seven, it feels a little different, although not scary. I know in my heart I will continue to be fine.
Back to my gratitude - I live in a nice place that is so warm that the AC (set at 75) kicked on yesterday, amid a day in the low 50's, nights in the 30's and 40's and the slider cracked open. If I didn't have a Black Mold Infection that made my body perspire profusely (this does not happen for everybody with such an infection) and am in menopause, which has simply exacerbated the problem, I would be thrilled.
A woman down the hall was telling me about how cold her place is and I told her how warm mine is, constantly. But, I look southeast (actually, east south) and she looks steadily north. I try hard not to ever live somewhere north facing - it is too gloomy in Oregon.
Three weeks ago
I had a complete meltdown. After being physically ill for so long and feeling so much better I couldn't imagine what my problem was. I didn't feel depressed, exactly, but more Eyor-ish.
A week ago at breakfast with a couple of my amazing women friends, we have known each other for a two decades, I was straightened out by them. Some might say none too kindly, but I am aware that I do not take hints well, so if you have to choose and it's important, better to slap me up side the head with something noticeable.
What they told me is this -
1) When you don't care about anything, and brushing your teeth seems like too much, that's burnout (I was brushing my teeth but hadn't put my contacts in or makeup on for two weeks).
2) When you are mad at the universe and you do not normally live there, something is up.
3) After pointing this out, they said that these are strong indicators that you are burned out.
Burned out! I haven't had any burnout for years! Oh, right, but I am feeling better and have been frustrated about money and work, which has always come so easily for me in the past. This has meant a substantial outpouring of effort. Plus, I have traditionally set December aside as an "off" month for myself so that I could attend to family, the holidays, etc. I (mistakenly) thought that since I didn't have all that going on I didn't have to take such care!
My friend says I had the "yeah, buts." Oh, the yeah, buts.
Many times I'll be talking with somebody who is avoiding the problem and I'll ask a question or make a suggestion and they're response is, "yeah, but..." and that is simply an avoidance technique. Which, apparently, I'm not above using.
The solution -
The 12-step program has taught me exactly how to take care of issues. This is one of the reasons I do so well is that I am a rule follower and like clear-cut direction. It may also be why I am a technology and accounting person. Both have definite rules with a little grey area or choices, but not too much to get me confused.
I realized as the next few days went on that beside feeling Eyor-ish and having the yeah-buts, I had also been restless, irritable and discontent -
- Many of my library audio books, about four out of five, had been irritating me at some point so I'd tag them and returned them to the library until I found one I can enjoy.
- Non-fiction was definitely out.
- After watching one of my shows in the morning I couldn't watch any more television during the day or it rubbed me the wrong way. I definitely could not stomach a movie.
- I'd had a jigsaw puzzle out for two weeks that I hadn't gotten to yet because it seemed too difficult.
- I did okay while "doing," but as soon as I lay my head down for sleep or stopped for a meal the squirrels would start and I would have to get in there and stop myself from rolling out into the future with 50,000 scenarios...what if this, and what if that.
Their recommendation -
1) My friends told me to not do Anything that I Didn't Want To for two weeks (Two Weeks, I thought, that's Cra-Cra!!). They said to not even go to my 12-step meetings (what?!? Sacrilege!) for at least a week, maybe longer. My sponsor did not agree, but I am trying it anyway. I do have 30 years sober so I think I can handle it without too much blow-back.
2) To make sure I didn't do anything I didn't want to, any time the word "should" comes into my mind I did not do whatever I "should" do. Plus, I ask myself each time I think to do something if I really want to do whatever. A load of towels have been in the dryer for about 12 hours as a result.
3) I discovered that my usual tactics of journaling and thinking about the problem to apply it to the solution was not working. My friends said to be with myself and my emotions. Stop and have a cup of tea.
What became clear over the next few days is that this is a big deal - the heartbreak and disappointment of my marriage, what I gave up for the marriage of 25 years that didn't work and embracing who I really am now. I am a different woman today than when we were first married. Feelings are not my best area and I'm happy to get to know them better. To be a well-rounded person it seems wise.
This is what I did -
- Breakfast was on Friday so on Saturday and Sunday I slept and rested a lot.
- Monday I had the two articles about burnout from one of my friends that I set aside for later and I made a list of the items I must do before I can really be off.
- I took care of those eight items on Monday and Tuesday, checking in with one of my friends via text to be sure I stayed on task, and am finishing up the biggest one today by putting it in the mail.
Note: I did not sit down and do everything at once. I would do something, or part of something, and then I would feel tired or like it was too difficult and stop, take a rest, or what have you. It's near 10 am now and I'm thinking about laying down when I get this done.
- I made arrangements to go to the beach next week and stay in my favorite place with money I don't have.
- I also contacted everybody I have scheduled phone calls and visits with during the week and cancelled. Those are my support networks for my mental health, two 12-step programs and how I am of service to others. I have been given so much so many times in the 12-step program without reserve that I now do that for others. Paying it forward, so to speak.
The gist I got is don't do anything but exactly what you feel like doing and sit with a cup of tea periodically and let whatever happens, happen.
Of course, this sounds to me like it will never, ever work as their isn't much of an "action" component, but of course it does. Like when I was told to notice my behavior, for instance, when I want to change it. I don't have to do anything else but notice, and it will change. I tell others this and they are skeptical. I understand! But it does work...
Outcome -
Slowly, very slowly, I am feeling moderately better. I have gone out a few times for groceries or one of those items I need to attend to and have actually put my contacts in and a little makeup on without a second thought. I also wore clothes and not my pajamas.
I will check in with everybody this weekend as far as taking another week off to the coast since I haven't e-spoken with them this week.
Now I know I will mostly take off through the first of the year because I can and I'd like to have the time to grow.
While I have not been doing my exercises every day or worrying about working out (back to no "shoulds") I have taken all of my medications on time, a part-time job in itself, and attended to whatever is needed (like feeding the cat) every day. It's getting easier and the time feels more fluid again, not all gooped up.
I do want to update you on my Black Mold Infection progress as taking antibiotics for a year is rather radical -
12th Update on the Wheldon Protocol
Still going really well. Since I have taken my personal daily sensors (how is this feeling, how is that doing) off line for the time being, I know I'm doing fine but don't have specifics.
My sleep has improved. I found my Hemi-Sync on a backup for my computer and re-loaded it on my computer and my cell. I have used it to help with my sleep.
My sugar intake is still going well. I started writing down any sugar I eat on my little white board.
Not surprisingly my sugar intake ramped up a little during my melt-down a few weeks ago and has been holding kind of steady. I am confident that it will be no big deal as I'm feeling better to do without.
I am so grateful for the hypnosis! My body and mind respond differently, feel differently, are different and it shows.
I hope if you've ever experienced burnout or are experiencing burnout this post may help you!
Until next time.
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