Emotional Turmoil and Manifestation - Still Cleansing - 30
February and March have been emotionally challenging for me. I don’t do emotions well at the best of times. Grieving the loss of a way of life that I perceived I could have, has been an itch with a B. I thought it would be one way and it turned out to be another.
The situation became so difficult that I had to make the hard decision although my feelings and my dreams have not changed.
So, I grieve – I grieve the loss of what I Perceived I could have and the loss of what I did have.
I like the five (5) stages of grief (some say (7)) and I find I rarely do them in this order -
Denial – this had obviously been happening for years; we don’t wake up until we wake up.
Anger –I’m in Anger right now.
Bargaining – I have been bargaining for a while, and that came to a halt early January.
Depression – that was early February.
Acceptance – working on it.
Heavy into this emotional turmoil since the beginning of February (I began grieving mid-November), at first, I found myself unable to function very well a few days a week. It felt frustrating and I kept leaving things everywhere, finding myself back tracking a lot. If my head hadn’t been attached, I certainly would have left it somewhere.
Recently my days are more like this.
I hear the washer/dryer beep and go in to fold/change the laundry. I stop, and look at it, and realize that it seems like all too much. I try to tell myself it’s fine, and still, no can do. I check in to be sure I’m not actually depressed, as I need to watch that, and no, it just seems impossible in this moment.
Sitting back down at my computer I do something that feels doable for a little while, or just as often, down make it past my bed and take a nap.
An hour or two or forty-five minutes later, I return to the laundry and think to myself, huh, as I fold the laundry and switch the load without any trouble. I might even clean something or pick up after the cat while I’m in there. No big deal.
Back to what I need to be doing now that my thinking has apparently righted itself.
Half an hour or two hours or whatever later I stop to make lunch. For some reason it seems like a horrendous task. I try to push through. I may or may not make it. I may return to my computer or take a nap. Hard to tell.
Repeat all day long. Some days are better than others.
I explain this as it all has to do with Manifestation.
Years ago, I was told that I am a Manifester. What I believe in, think about and concentrate on inevitably comes true. This, by the way, is true for Everybody, some of us have to work a little harder than others.
It has taken me a while to learn how to direct my daily thoughts. I have several preventative measures in place.
But over the last couple of months, I haven’t been able to keep up. As you can see, sometimes I can barely get the laundry done! Let alone the important things.
A couple of months ago a good friend of mine said something like, you know, other people I’ve known going through big life-changing stuff like you are have had car accidents, so be careful.
I immediately said, “Don’t say that!!!” It had been 25 years since my last accident.
She was only trying to help.
The information goes in and I find myself cautioning myself Not to get in a car accident. Sometimes I catch myself, and at others I am so messed up, I not only skip my usual routine around driving safely since I’m overwhelmed, but the thought goes unchecked.
Whether I am thinking that I do Not want to get in a car accident, or whether I Want to get in a car accident, universe hears my plea for a Car Accident.
Manifester. Ye ask, and ye shall receive.
Within 30 days of this conversation I had bumped into a parked car. Can’t remember the last time I did that. I left a note even though there didn’t appear to be any damage.
Then on Saturday, I was the third car in a three-car accident.
I remember being angry that morning and going to a 12-step meeting to get some of that out of my system, which I did, and then driving into the construction area going from two lanes to one. We were driving slowly in the one lane with cement on both sides, when I saw the back end of an SUV sort of tip up and thought, “*expletive*, that person just stopped on a dime!” and knew in that moment I wasn’t going to be able to stop fast enough. The person in front of me ran into the SUV without a brake light showing and I tried to stop my little car but when the ABS locked in, since it rained recently after a couple of sunny, dry days, I slid right into and under the bumper of the car ahead of me as it came back down from it’s impact.
It happened in slow motion and in a few seconds all at once.
I remember thinking as I was watching the driver’s head in front of me flop back and forth that I shouldn’t be holding on quite so tight (if I hold on tight enough, I can stop the car, right?) when the crunch of metal sounded.
So many people sweetly checked on me to make sure I’m okay, and I am okay. My back is out of alignment, but I didn’t have any new damage. I have excellent insurance, so everything is taken care of. If my car is totaled like I think it should be, all is going to be grand.
After staying home Saturday and Sunday with my smashed car sitting in the parking lot I had to laugh at the situation, at myself.
(we never did locate the front license plate - probably in the river to the left)
On Monday they provided me with a Brand New rental SUV, and I said, “are you sure you want to give me a brand new SUV?” The guy laughed and said something like oh yeah, we do it all the time. I drove it right through where our accident was first thing. Get back on the horse and all that.
So, I’ve been trying to be more attentive to my usual protections before driving.
It was totally my doing from beginning to end. Do I wish my friend hadn’t said that? Well, sure. But stuff always happens for a reason, right?
Since the accident I have been taking good care of myself going to the doctor and talking with the insurance company. My goal every day is not to take myself too seriously.
I don’t want to talk about a Car Accident for another few weeks – heaven forbid it happens again.
So, I am writing out Manifestation – be it during a time of stress or intentionally manifesting what I want – to remind myself and anybody who reads this (since we all have the power to Manifest to one degree or another) to give myself a break. I am human, not perfect.
My life is good. I’ve never gone without. I have a nice roof over my head and eat organic food. Now I am going to go buy my Truck to get onto the next dream I’ve had for a while.
I am, unless overly emotional, spiritually fit and enjoy life day in and day out for the most part. It is confusing to be happy within myself while I am unhappy about the recent big change. This part of my life is what really makes the difference. It has gotten me through everything. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it’s certainly easier with spirituality (or whatever you choose to call it).
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