Grump - Update on Step 2 Cleansing with Intranasal - 3
The Grump is an aspect of chronic illness that I rarely share. I'm not doing so today so that you'll feel bad for me, but because it is my current experience, today, and has been many times over the duration.
My motto is to stay positive. I read positive meditations nearly every morning to start my day and make a gratitude list if I wake up feeling like life sucks.
Even with my challenges - and everybody has them - I have a good life. I live in a lovely place, have great friends and fantastic support systems.
I can afford the things I need to get rid of this infection. That is not the case for everybody, I know, as I watch friends suffer.
Since 2001 I have gradually gotten worse. One thing that has remained consistent is I can do nearly the exact same things from day to day and one day will be significantly better than another.
My "better" bar lowers as I become more unwell.
Yesterday I had a precedent setting day. I can't remember when I last had a day that great.
That means that this mold infection treatment is working! Yay!!
I felt fantastic all day and was very productive (i.e., getting a task done and sitting down for 15 minutes before I tackle the next task...) taking a nap in the afternoon for less than an hour and watching football with my husband until bed-time.
Typically a good stretch (short or long) is followed by a down period as one would expect.
Managing Mental Health with Physical Illness
I have a numbering system that I use with my psychiatrist. 10 being the best and 1 being the worst. At the worst earlier this year I was physically a 4.5 and mentally a 6.5, averaging to a 5.5. I usually use this number as an overall, but as I've gotten physically sicker, I've had to separate them to check.
The doctor wants my mental number to be 7 or above.
As you can imagine, the concern is that my physical well-being affects my mental well-being and visa-versa.
So, to give you an idea of how I'm doing today, I'd give it a 6.5 combined. Mentally I'm probably a 7+ but taking two naps in a day isn't always a happy thing. Being sick took four hours out of the day and indicates my physical well-being is not where we want it to be.
As a result, sometimes the grump comes out.
She's the part of me that's tired of putting a positive face on a not-so-positive situation day in and day out for years. She is the part of me that is burned out by having to moderate everything within my power multiple times each day to live life to its fullest. Tweak, tweak, tweak. She is the part of me that is frustrated that things rarely seem to get done.
I'm grumpy because for over 17 years life has been passing me by. Missing those hours with my grandson today isn't the first time I've been left out. I often can't play with everybody because I don't have the energy. I've had to learn to be okay in isolation and to not be lonely when by myself.
The best I can do on these days is not take it out on others.
This is the reality, and as hard as I try, sometimes the grump comes out.
If you want to receive an email each time I blog an update on my progress, please sign up from the upper right-hand corner!