The Light Goes On! - Update on Cleansing - 9
Before I get to this subject, I want to follow-up on my latest out-of-town eating experience (link to that blog.)
I did much better than the first time although I did not count those as successful food days because I had unauthorized blended coffees.
Now to The Light Goes On!
The eating is tough. I made it seven (7) days and then went off the rails. I'm on day three (3) now. In between it was not good. I'm not going to post an updated photo of my rewards calendar because I am not proud!
During the last week and a half I went through a variety of emotions. Depression, anger, fear, frustration, poor me and anxiety trying to let go and accept the situation.
Lots of talking with my higher power throughout.
How did I go from seven (7) days to ice cream and cookies?
For those of you who don't know me, I am an addict. My primary addiction is drugs and alcohol. I work on staying clean and sober daily.
Because of this I should not have been astonished when my brain said to me after those seven (7) days of success, "Hey Sarah, you deserve some ice cream because you've done such a good job!"
But it doesn't stop there.
It reminds me that I deserve to eat whatever I want as I drive past store after store. It insists it's okay to have some ice cream and cookies even though my eating IS KILLING ME.
After a day or two of this I finally break down and eat the "white" stuff.
Sure, temporarily it felt good. I also managed to throw more than half of it away. It's the little things, right?
Then I thought wow, I am so loopy! My brain is telling me it's okay to ingest "white" food (sugar, flour and dairy) when it is totally Not Okay to ingest "white" food.
"White" foods feed the mold infection and make me sicker.
Without "white" foods I can cleanse the infection and heal.
I am an intelligent stubborn woman so why is this happening? Why can't I just stop?
Monday I found myself talking with a friend about my eating issue and while expressing my complete frustration out of my mouth comes,
"I am afraid to eat this way the rest of my life because I will disappear."
Voila! There it is - the root of the problem that I have been trying to identify through another 12-step program for two years, and for the last two months attempting to eat as prescribed.
Again, for those of you who know me, you will most likely think, "what?" How can that be?
I am not a shy retiring individual.
So what's up?
I am experienced at not being seen or heard. Growing up, in business and in relationships.
For example, I would suggest something and it would be ignored and somebody else would suggest the same thing and they were brilliant!
I found I threatened people even though I couldn't imagine why, so I experienced being shut down in many ways.
As a result, I made myself big (at one point I was 230 lbs) and I became louder (as my husband will tell you.)
Through personal growth I did find my voice.
I know I am seen and heard today and clearly, there is some old belief holding me up!
I have some ideas on how to clear this issue up and will write about that next time!
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